How the heck are ya?

discussing my b-day present w/ daniel

2005-09-26T18:53:00.000-07:00

WishIHadSomeSpam: or i can get you something from here, but it won't be there for a couple of weeks
Zebra Sister: I'd rather have something cool and korean
WishIHadSomeSpam: i don't know WHAT i would get you.....hmm.....maybe something that looks cool and holds stuff?
Zebra Sister: maybe something that could hang on the wall
Zebra Sister: I hane a lot of empty wall space
WishIHadSomeSpam: like a severed human head? you can hang that on the wall
Zebra Sister: have
Zebra Sister: could be fun
WishIHadSomeSpam: or maybe i can make some sort of mount and bring you home a bowl of ramen to put on it
Zebra Sister: drain it wel though, I don't want to be cleanign up blood for weeks
Zebra Sister: lol
Zebra Sister: nice
WishIHadSomeSpam: ramen with cheese
Zebra Sister: eww
Zebra Sister: I think I"d rather have something pretty than somthing that will smell as it decomposes
WishIHadSomeSpam: i know, all they do is place an american single slice on the top of the ramen......not very appetizing
Zebra Sister: lol
WishIHadSomeSpam: ramen smells good
Zebra Sister: but the cheese won't in about a week
WishIHadSomeSpam: well, i'll leave the cheese
Zebra Sister: k
WishIHadSomeSpam: ok then, a bowl or ramen on the wall it is!
Zebra Sister: lovely

22

2005-09-25T12:02:00.000-07:00

So, as of about 2 mins ago I"m 22 years old. Hmm. I don't feel any different. Except maybe like I’m getting old. I don’t think I’ve had a birthday cake since I turned 18. Good Grief, last year at this time all I could think about was alcohol and tattoos. I still want to get my tattoo finished but my love of alcohol has all but died. I’m ok with that though. A drink or two w/ a friend every once in a while will always be fun, being smashed will never be fun. A lot has happened in the past year. Very few things have stayed the same. I think most of the changes are for the best, but there are several I regret. I have a lovely home and an awesome roommate, but I’m struggling with my bills and barely squeezing by most of the time. Hopefully that will change next month w/ my upcoming raise, additional hours and furniture market. I’m in love with a wonderful man, who just so happens to be in love with me as well. That’s a new one. One of my best friends is in another country and I don’t get to talk to him near as much as I would like. But damn if I don’t talk to him way more than basically everyone I considered a friend last year at this time. Most of that is my fault for one reason or another. I’ve kinda spent the greater part of the year keeping other people out. I guess I just got so tired of rejection I hid from it. Then I was proven right once again a little while back when one of my closest friends had finally had enough. I miss her, a lot. I guess I can’t expect the impossible. Maybe this year will be different. I hope so…but then, as I have learned time and time again, hope is a dangerous thing.

Ginny

2005-08-21T11:17:00.000-07:00

So since nothing in the world could be cuter than my boyfriend, who is in fact the sweetest man I have ever met, I am now the proud owner of the second cutest living thing. J My dog Ginny. She puts all other small dogs to same w/ her sweetness factor. She so far likes to spend her time snuggled on my lap or napping in my bed. Yeah for old lazy dogs! Well, that’s about it for now, if I can manage to borrow someone’s digital, I’ll post some pics later. J love to all.

A dog & "Mad Dog"

2005-08-20T10:51:00.000-07:00

I apologize for the infrequency of my posts. Since I actually have someone to talk to all the time now it’s not as high on my priority list. I’m currently posting to delay the start of housework…lol. This place is a mess. Between Allie, Andrew and I there is quite a bit to be done. Luckily they are out of town for the weekend; I intend to take advantage of that. So…randomness, I’m getting a dog! My Boss’ Grandfather died and left 2 dogs behind, she has one and her mom has the other but doesn’t really want her anymore, I’m going to meet her today and if Jenny(the little white cutie) likes me I can take her home. So that’s fun. Let me see, what else of note…Umm, Corey is still wonderful, duh. Both our Birthdays are next month, should be interesting. Show in King tonight, thank goodness I get to go to this one, I have missed the last few for various reasons, I hate that. I’ve been reading Corey’s Harley Race Book. Needless to say I’m learning a lot. He brings over DVDs too, which will be even cooler when I have a TV and surround sound system after my b-day, but for now the computer works. Hmm, what else…I guess that’s about it for now. Later taters.

Strange...

2005-08-05T00:23:00.000-07:00

So I'm blogging from my roommate's laptop. My computer is currently in the shop. Computer's suck. I have spent more money on that darn thing...grrr. anywho. Laura and Mikey are getting married in a week, the food will be good but I'm becoming less and less excited about cooking for 200 people. I am also even more sure that I will never, ever ,ever, ever plan my wedding. Vegas baby, Vegas all the way. Ziggy pooed on my carpet this morning...little turd can leave a large pile when she feels like it. boo. :P Mom and Dad are in the Philippines till next Sunday. I haven't been to church in a few weeks, starting to feel like a heathen...and strangely ok w/ it. ummm...What else of interest......oh, makin a big meal after the cwf show Saturday, so feel free to invite yourself! :) ummm, that's about it for today, oh yeah, Corey rockks! ;) Thank god he's around or I'd be a lot crazier than I aleadly am! But for now I gotta go buy some carpet cleaner or something. later taters!

I hate hot weather.

2005-07-27T17:37:00.000-07:00

ugh, I'm in a lovely mood. I got up at 4:15 this morning, drove to Wilmington then back through Raleigh and Durham. It was 107 degrees at one point, thank goodness for AC. Poor Jason’s AC died on the way back. He had called me to help him transport some cars for the repo company he works for. It was pretty fun all things considered but I'm really ready for a nap. Sadly now I need to move the rest of my junk before I can crash for the night. My room at the old appt. is still overflowing w/ randomness. Tomorrow and Friday I’m babysitting all day which will be fun but possibly more exhausting than driving all day. But hey, w/ a week off work random money is a good thing.

Guess that’s it for now…

Except to say Corey is “da man”…and hot too. ;) Muah!

The Super Duper Over Due Update!!

2005-07-25T14:12:00.000-07:00

Holy Shit…I haven’t updated in FOREVER!! Sorry guys. With the new house, work, and spending time with the absolutely sweetest, most wonderful man in the world blogging has dropped a few notches on the ever present/never ending “things to do” list.

I’m taking a cake decorating class for work…so that’d random. Fun too. Anybody need a fancy birthday cake?

I hate being this busy, but I love it too. I hate it b/c I get stressed out and don’t take care of myself. For instance, at least 3 times this week I’ve made it to 6 or 7 in the evening before having freaking breakfast. Grrr. I just don’t think about it. That’s so bad too b/c then I’ll eat what ever I can get my hands on and it’s never healthy. Eh, screw healthy, that’s why God invented chocolate. Lol. Not really. I really gotta go grocery shoppin or something.

So I'm living at my new place but I don’t have even half my junk here yet. I've got to have a freakin huge yard sale or something cuz I got way to much shit I don’t need.

Money is the root of all evil, not to mention the only thing I ever really worry about anymore. BAH! I hate it. Why can’t we just be on a freakin barter system or something? Why wasn’t I just born in the 1700’s so I could raise some frikkin chickens for a living or something. Lol. Nah, that’d be smelly.

So I’ve got this whole week off work which is:

Good, b/c I get a week to try and get all my junk over here and organized and be out of my appt. on time.
Bad, b/c it’s a whole freakin week of money I won’t be makin. Boo.
Good again b/c I get to see Corey more.
Bad again b/c I have more time to sleepin and get nothing accomplished.

Such is life, and busy as it may be its pretty far from hard right now.

My house is really starting to look like a home. I mean I got boxes and stuff all over but it is finally all painted, my crazy awesome couch is here, floor is finished, lights are hung, even some accessorizing and decorating. All the major cosmetics are finished except the kitchen cabinets…ugh, a project I dread. My room looks insanely awesome. I gotta post pics or something.

Well I think that’s about it for now, Corey is here and we are going to the pool. :) very cool. Later taters!!

Thank God, no I'm for real, he really rocks some times

2005-07-07T11:37:00.000-07:00

Goodness Gracious… So I had my sonogram thing this morning. This second doctor could not even find the lump that the first doctor and I were worried about. I'm super relieved. Everything is normal and I won’t have to go back till I'm 45. So that’s awesome. Tonight I'm going to celebrate at Hugo’s w/ Corey, Jason and John. Very nice.

the good, that bad and the super personal.

2005-07-05T20:02:00.000-07:00

So I’ve been finding out lately that people do actually read this. Not so comfortable w/ that. I think that’s a big part of why I’ve not been writing so much lately. Gonna have to cut that out. I figure yha’ll are reading it for a reason so I better give you something right? Well let me update you on my life then. I have a townhouse. It’s a royal mess right now but coming along well. So far dad and I removed the carpet downstairs, ripped up all the tack strip(that was the worst part), tore out 3 rooms worth of wall paper, washed most of the paste off the walls and put down the new wood floor in the living room and hall. We have a lot of painting to do, more floor and furniture to move, all the fun stuff now. Aside from that work is going well, but I’m not getting very many hours. Biggest and best news is all about the beginnings of a relationship w/ the sweetest guy I have ever met…but I won’t embarrass him by posting all the girly details. Let’s just say it’s the best thing going right now and I like him a whole lot.

Now for less cool news but something I feel the need to talk out…if you read this a lot you have probably noticed the “there is something on my mind but I have no one to talk to” bit on here a few times. Well, the long and the sort of it is this: I found a lump in my breast 2 months ago and couldn't get it checked out till I got new insurance, I had and appt. today and the doctor didn't like what she found. They couldn't tell me anything but I have another appt for a sonogram Thursday and should know more then. Besides that I got poked and prodded and it all hurt really bad, which is actually a bad sign. And a symptom of this disorder called endometriosis. There is like a 95% chance that I have it and that will make it really hard for me to have kids. Like ever. But my mom has it and I’m here so there is some hope, just not much. The doctor is going to put me on continuous birth control to help preserve my chances for some time in the very distant future. It’s strange, I always wanted to adopt…maybe this is why. I do still hope I can have one of my own eventually. Ugh. I really didn’t think I would get this upset over the whole thing. I really wasn’t that shocked in the first place, it had always been in the back of my mind as a possibility of why I have such a hard time every few months and when the doctor said it I wasn’t upset. The long today lasts and the more I think about it the more upset I get. I haven’t needed a hug this bad in a while. How messed up is it that I'm more upset about the possible nonexistence of future children than the possibility that I might have cancer? Damn. Where the hell are my priorities? Truth is I think I’d a lot more upset about never being a mom than about dying at 21. Dang. That’s insane- but true. Oh well, I’m going to do my best not to worry about either one. I mean, I can’t do a thing about either of them and won’t find out anything else till Thursday about the life and death one. Lol. I guess it’s ok that I'm not afraid to die, and I don’t really think I’m going to. The more I keep telling myself that the better right? Well, I'm going to go distract myself for a while. Hope your day was good.

2005-07-05T10:09:00.000-07:00

After the fireworks display last night July 4th managed to boost up a few notches on the "my favorite holidays" list. What an awesome week, and it's only Tuesday. My house is commin right along, we put down the flooring the in the living room yesterday but there is a bump in the middle. Dad said it kept him awake all night last night and he plans to rip the whole thing up and fix it this morning. And you thought I was OCD. HAha. Anyway, should be painting this week, all the uber tacky wall paper is down and most of the walls are preped and ready. I"m super excited. Cloud nine is quite nice but I"m becoming more and more paranoid that something is gonna go really wrong soon...it's all just to perfect and I"m ever the realist. Oh well, enjoy it while it lasts right? Life is sweet, at least for now. later taters.

Two houses and a train

2005-06-24T00:34:00.000-07:00

So, I gotta quit taking the back way home. See, there is this road that goes between Holden and the complex I live in. It’s a super fast way to get to 40W and the area where I will be moving, Wal-Mart, Michel’s (which I have visited every day this week b/c of a project I'm workin on for my house, anyway) etc. Problem is the road goes right past the Amtrak Station. Every time I pass the dang place I want to hop on a freakkin train and just go somewhere. One day I'm just gonna be random and do it. Maybe that week I have off the end of July… Ugh, I wish. Anyway. The other thing about it is if I'm actually on the way home I pass the Sherwin Williams place next and the fresh paint smell makes me just itch to start decorating my house. Good grief, I have the most annoying imagination ever. Who thinks of this stuff just driving around? Good thing is I now only have 6 days left before we close on the house and we’ll start decorating that weekend. Bad thing about that is I’ll be driving past the train station many times a day for over a month and then prolly every day that I work after that. Good grief. I need to take some random trip to get this out of my system. This will be my first summer that I haven’t left the country in 5 years. And just think, last summer I was palnnin a trip to Rome… blah. Italy is not even on the important end of my “Places to See” list anymore. Sadness. But not really. I'm house sitting this week so it will be like a vacation. A whole week, just me and a dog in this sweet house. Ah, heavenly.

Big Goofy Grin

2005-06-16T11:12:00.000-07:00

Things I have realized in the past week:

1. Friends are everything.

2. I need to learn how to flirt.

Yesterday was interesting, work dragged on and on. I think it was b/c I was so ready to go to the match last night. Kathleen and her friend Adrian came w/ me. That was cool. The girls loved it, they will be commin to Friday Night Fights. That’s awesome, as much as I prefer to go to shows alone I'm glad they had so much fun and want to come back. The three of us tagged along to TGI Friday’s for some grub. Man, I can’t get over the food there. So expensive but so good. I was loving me some ribs and the company was the best, well part of the company anyway. ;) Daniel called as we were walkin in, I felt like a jerk for not talkin to him, but I"m sure he understands and that's why he's my best bud.

This morning I took Julie to get her car back, 30 mins later we were both back in my car b/c something else is wrong w/ hers. Very sad. Man, I don’t wanna go to work today. It’s gonna be soooo hot again. Grrr. And I'm so freakin excited about this weekend! Good grief it’s gonna be fun. I’m off work tomorrow so when ever I wake up I’ll be headed West to go see Andrew. The crazy Pofftown show is Saturday and I'm pumped. Last show there I yelled so much I was hoarse the next day. Should be a great few days. But for now I need to take Julie to work, go buy a father’s day gift and get my butt to work on time for once.

since everybody else is doing it...

2005-06-16T01:30:00.000-07:00

SECTION 1 ABOUT YOURSELF
+ Known as: Zoë, Momma Zoe, Zo Dawg, Martha(ugh)
+ Lives in: Greensboro
+ First breath: September 25, 1983…some time in the early AM
+ School: Done w/ it & prefer not to think about it.
+ Hair color: random compilation of brown, blonde, white and blue
+ Eye color: Blue
+ Fears: Getting my heart broken, roller coasters, heights

SECTION 2 HAVE YOU EVER...
+ Cheated on someone? Never
+ Been Cheated on? Not to my knowledge
+ Fallen off the bed? When I was little
+ Broken someone`s heart? Sadly yes
+ Had your heart broken? yes
+ Had a dream come true? Not yet
+ Done something you regret? Who hasn’t
+ Cheated on a test? no

SECTION 3 CURRENTLY...
+ Wearing? PJs
+ Listening to? Nine Inch Nails(w/ teeth)
+ Located? My room
+ Chatting with? Nobody right now
+ Watching? The cursor
+ Should REALLY be doing? Folding the clean clothes on my bed so I can go to sleep

SECTION 4 DO YOU...
+ Brush your teeth? Heck yeah
+ Like anybody? yes
+ Have any piercings? One in each ear, nothing cool
+ Drive? Yes, but not well
+ Drink? Just for the fun of it
+ Smoke? Not anymore
+ Got a pager? Nope, no need

SECTION 5 FRIENDS...
+ Who is your best? Daniel
+ Who do you hate? No one right now…well…
+ Who is the shyest? Jen K.
+ Who is the most talkative? Chris
+ Who is the cutest? None of your business
+ Who laughs the most? Kathleen or Jen A.
+ Who have you known he longest? Connie
+ Who have you known the shortest? Corey
+ Who do you miss the most? Daniel (he’s in frikkin Korea!)
+ Who do you go to with personal problems? Kinda in between confidants right now but mostly daniel
+ Do you hang out with the opposite sex? Yes, girls are so dramatic!
+ Do you trust your friends? Most of them
+ Are you a good friend? I try to be
+ Can you keep a secret? Well, better than I could a year ago but not as good as I should

SECTION 6 THE LAST PERSON YOU...
+ Hugged? Gee
+ Kissed? Uhhh…let’s just say it’s been a while
+ IMed? Jason
+ Talked to on the phone? Daneil
+ Yelled at? Some random person in traffic

SECTION 7 PERSONAL...
+ What do you want to be when you grow up? A good mom
+ What has been the best day of your life? I'm not sure, nothing spectacular has happened so far
+ What comes first in your life? Friends
+ Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend/crush? Well, I think that would be between me and the person in question don’t you?
+ What do you usually think about before you go to bed? What time I have to get up, or what ever book I’m reading to put me to sleep
+ How many times have you fallen in love? once
+ Love your family? Yes
+ Love your friends? Very much

SECTION 8 FAVORITE...
+ Movie: Garden State, Dogma, Star Wars(old school), Anything Scary, Kill Bill 1&2
+ Song: Sunshine by Presidents of the USA
+ Group: I like a lot of ‘em but Kill Switch Engage, Cold Play, Iron and Wine, Johnny Cash and Victor Wooten are pretty high up there
+ Store: Williams and Sonoma
+ Relative: Aunt Jane
+ Sport: not sure
+ Ice Cream Flavor: Chocolate Therapy or Chocolate Fudge Brownie by Ben n Jerry’s
+ Fruit: strawberries
+ Candy: chocolate kisses
+ Holiday: was Christmas till I started catering, now…New Year’s maybe
+ Day of the Week: Friday
+ Time of day: right after dark
+ Color: Blue
+ Name for a Girl: Rose
+ Name for a Boy: Clay
+ Quote: Ultimately time is all you have, and the idea isn't to save it, but to savor it.

SECTION 9 DO YOU...
+ Like to give hugs? Very much
+ Like to give kisses? I don’t know, I haven’t given many
+ Like to walk in the rain? Absolutely
+ Prefer black or blue pens? Blue
+ Like to travel? Not really, but I love being in new place, I need a Stargate
+ Sleep on your side, stomach or back? Any of the three
+ Think you're attractive? To cool people
+ Ever have the falling dream? Yes, often when I’m worried about something
+ Have stuffed animals? Yeah, I”ve had Fivel forever and I just got a camo bunny…

SECTION 10 WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT...
+ Abortion: I could never do it, for any reason
+ Smoking: makes you smelly :-p
+ Eating Disorders: been there, done that, have no desire to go back
+ Suicide: I understand it but I hate it
+ Summer: I prefer fall or spring
+ Tattoos: love ‘em can’t wait to get mine finished
+ Piercings: so cool, always wanted a neat one, don’t have the guts for it and I doubt my boss would like it if I showed up w/ a lip ring, not to mention my parents would disown me (which is why they don’t know about the tattoos!)

What’s up w/ the long posts lately?

2005-06-11T23:40:00.000-07:00

Today was interesting…

I was supposed to baby-sit at the Martin’s(my fave family) about 10:45. A fact I remembered when I woke up about 11:15 cursing and running out of the house. But it worked out all right and I still got to spend all day with three of the sweetest kids I know. Gavin, Ella and Sydney. We played out in their new pool, watched TV (with them on my lap-yes all three), read books (on my lap again :) ), I made lunch and dinner and Gavin and I played video games while Sydney napped and Ella played w/ my hair. All in all a most enjoyable day plus I got paid for it. Very nice.

I’ve still got this thing on my mind that I can’t shake. It’s eating me up worse and worse. Grr. I really need someone to talk to.

After I left the Martin’s house I broke down and went swim suit shopping for the first time in 8 years. Ugh. I quickly remembered why it had been so long, but I also knew between having a pool when I move, all the babysitting I’ll be doing at houses w/ pools and the party next weekend I have to get something besides my normal shorts and t-shirts. Ironically that’s basically what I bought. I have once again discovered the joys of the men’s department. Haha. I got some sweet blue board shorts and a girl’s tank/swim top thingy. Buchness reigns again but it’s not like what I wear in a pool will matter to anyone but me. This way I will be comfortable. I’ve never understood the idea of showing off more than necessary in public anyway.

I am just itching to get my last 2 tattoos so the design will be finished. It will prolly be a while before I can afford them considering I just bought a freakin $600 couch yesterday. OMG…this couch makes me happy. You guys have no idea. My house is gonna rock so hard! I could go on and on about paint chips and fabric swatches but I won’t bore you…yet. Be prepared though. My house warming party in August will be complete w/ a tour of the finished product. At least as close to finished as I’ll be able to afford by then. I'm sure I’ll be overly excited about every little detail and share more than anyone will want to hear, but the free food at the party should make up for it.

2005-06-10T01:04:00.000-07:00

So I just got back from “Cinderella Man”. Wow, may I just say that again? Wow…I thought it would be good sure, but I was pleasantly surprised. It was wonderful. I'm gonna go see it again! That’s a super rare statement for a movie that made me cry! About ½ way through I started giggling b/c I kept thinking how glad I was that I went alone so I didn’t have to be embarrassed by my girly and persistent tears. But what a story! I mean really. I hope I can go see that again this weekend.

So there’s been something on my mind for about a month now that just keeps gnawing at me. It’s destroying my already unstable peace of mind. Problem is I don’t feel like I can tell anyone about it. Grr.

Nikki took us out to dinner tonight for mine and Kathleen’s graduation. That was fun. We went to Bricks Pizza. I’d never been there and I really liked it. She also told us we will be opening Sat mornings for breakfast and lunch starting next week. So that sucks, but it could be worse. At least I have a job I love, and it’s not like I don’t need the hours, I just wish they weren’t at 8 something on a weekend…not to complain or anything. J Sometimes we just don’t get what we want, a lot of times it’s a good thing too.

2005-06-09T11:40:00.000-07:00

OMG! I just ran up to Wendy’s for some lunch, on the way back I passed the little Italian place on the corner of Spring Garden and Chapman. The sign read like this:

Pasta & Vino, Giggity Giggity!

I’m gonna have to get there for dinner Saturday, anyone wanna join me? :-p

2005-06-08T11:31:00.000-07:00

Ran across an old poem today. I can’t remember when I wrote it! It’s half decent though so I think I’m going to post it. So my teeth are almost better, I think. They are still sore but as long as I'm taking the Ibuprofen I can finally eat real food again. I took myself out for a good dinner last night to celebrate. I sat at the bar, which I normally do when I go out by myself, had a drink and the Jack Daniel’s chicken strips while reading the paper. When I got home I watched several episodes of Stargate w/ Julie then started reading one of the many books I have bought in the past few weeks. It’s strange really, how many books I have that I have never even opened. I have all these random one too. Everything from sci-fi to herbal remedies to Christian missionary bios to bartender’s guides to Egyptian myths and even how to massage guides find their way to my shelves. Actually several are now stacked in front of the bookcase on the floor. It’s like I see this really cool book and I can’t help but buy it. Cookbooks are my other real weakness. I have way more than one cook would ever need. It’s sad really. I just love them, even though I don’t always…well I take that back, I almost never read them. I think they will be the worst part about moving all my stuff across town. But I bet in the move I’ll find books I’d forgotten I had. I guess I’ll post that poem now:

He asked me: Who are you?
I have no answer, at least not one I want to share.
I am complicated, ugly, and rough around more than the edges.
I am beautiful, caring and creative.
I am fake, fragile and easily forgotten.
I am undone, used up, and defeated.
I am energetic, vibrant and amusing.
I am a scared, scarred and vulnerable.

Now I have opened up my heart to someone I trust.
Why do I trust him?
Is it only because he has shown no cause for suspicion?
Oh God, what have I done?
I have unveiled wounds I often deny existence.
I have fearlessly clarified deep longings.
I have once again allowed hope to glimmer.
I have set myself up for a fall, mightier than ever before.

Hope is not safe.
Love languishes and fades.
Life decays and dies.
Comfort converts to pain.
Dreams dissolve into misery.
Fire turns to ash.

But…what if?
What if this time were different?
What if I let myself hope?
What if this stirring inside me was confirmed?
What if this is what I have longed for all along?
What if all these questions had a purpose?

No, it can’t be.

These ideals of life and love are not for real people.
They exist in hour and a half bit of entertainment with bright colors and music.
They thrive in stories with heroes, heroines, villains, conflicts and happy endings.
They inhabit the deepest desires of every human soul.
God planted them there when He created us.
He must have had a reason.
Perhaps I could hold onto that hope just a little longer.
Perhaps, but can I trust myself?

Hmmm….. depressing but interesting. I think this goes a long way to explain why I have not answered the 3 page letter I found on my car the other day. The man in the poem and the man that wrote the letter are not the same but I feel it still applies. To the writer of said letter, I'm sorry, I just don’t want what you want. If you read my blog, and I know you do, then you will know by now I don’t have the same hopes and dream that you do. Growing old together with someone who loves me very much sounds nice in theory, but in practice? I’m just not so sure. Well I take that back. I’m pretty damn sure it would never work. Even if it did, I’m pretty sure it’s just not what I want out of life. Don’t get me wrong, what you offer sounds simple and easy and tempting, but I am not ready for it, and I’m not so sure I ever will be. Also, I know from personal experience(as do you) relationships are not simple or easy. Nothing worth doing ever is right? Well for me I lack the time and energy to spend on a serious relationship not to mention that hope from then end of the poem is long since gone and I lack the desire to rekindle it. I'm just not in love with you anymore. I haven’t been for several years now. I do not foresee those feelings ever returning. I would appreciate it if you could try and understand that. I think it’s high time you try a different method of dealing with whatever it is you supposedly “see in” me. I’m sure it exists in many other more loving and more lovable women who have a strong desire to find the man of their dreams and grow old together. If you can’t understand that’s not what I want then I'm sorry but there is nothing more I can say or do to convince you. It’s hard to be rational w/ an irrational person.

Strawberry season is a wonderful thing.

2005-06-03T09:01:00.000-07:00

Randomness, bought a huge flat of strawberries yesterday at work and took them home for my dad last night. He flipped. J We spent and hour or more eating strawberries, looking through decorating magazines and talking about ideas for the town house. Then Mom and I watched Iron Chef. It was really nice, prolly the best evening I’ve spent w/ them in years. It’s surprisingly cool when you finally get to the point where you can have a conversation w/ your parents that doesn’t include screaming and accusations. Sadly this all may change if they get a glimpse of my tattoos….I’ll just have to wait and see I guess.

I had to go back to the dentist this morning and get the gauze changes on my dry socket. I was worried since it hurt so bad last time but I didn’t even flinch when the hygienist pulled out the old piece and squirted in some water. It was not as fun when the dentist re-packed it but it was nothing like last time and it’s already feeling a lot better. Crazy. I have to go back on Monday for them to take it out. Ugh. I'm glad getting these darn things out is a one time event. I'm gonna go get a nap in before work since I only got 2 hours of sleep last night.

smile more, bitch less

2005-06-02T09:26:00.000-07:00

So today is promising to be a better day, an exciting prospect in and of it’s self. My face still hurts but I paid rent, got the oil changed in my car, got to read my Asimov book while I waited, and ate and unhealthy but tasty breakfast. I’ve got an hour before work so I think I’m gonna clean up a bit. Julie has been a huge help since she moved in but being in such a bad mood all the time has made me slack leaving lots to do and little time to do it in. Oh well, such is life. So big news…… We have a Townhouse!!! J Very cool. Dad, Jen and I did a bit more looking Monday and decided to put an offer on the one we liked best. We got a great deal too. It’s a cute little 2 story w/ 2 bedrooms & 2 bathrooms up stairs with a living room, laundry room, 1/2 bath, kitchen, dining room and backyard on the first floor. I've already been looking at paint chips, cheep furniture, and all sorts of decorating ideas. This is me at my second girlyest. The worst is me around kids, but a place of my own to decorate won’t prove much better! Closing is set for June 30^th and we won’t have to be out of here till July 30^th so I’ll have all the time in the world to get it just right. I can’t wait to spend at Sat w/ my dad brainstorming ideas. Anyway, I better go clean up before work.

Zoë the self described wimp

2005-06-01T21:49:00.000-07:00

Huf. I feel like crap. This has been the worst day. Grrr. So I’ve had dry sockets for 2 days now. I just went to the doctor today b/c I couldn’t take it any longer and found out that’s why I was hurting so bad. The dentist proceeded to squirt water into the hole and then stuff it full of gauze. I can’t remember anything that hurt that bad…ever. So then I had to drive 30 mins back to work still crying from the damn thing. My boss sent me home for a few hours though so that was nice. I spent the whole afternoon feeling nauseated from the pain. I took some more medication a few hours ago but it’s not helping. I tried to sleep but couldn’t. I don’t know what to do now. I hate this. I have a really low pain tolerance and I'm friggin exhausted. I will never complain about a tattoo again. I need a hug.

In pain and ready to bitch about it. :-p

2005-05-28T19:40:00.000-07:00

Wow, my face hurts really really bad. Not to mention I'm dizzy and nauseated. My teeth came out easy and I don’t remember much after the laughing gas. That’s some good shit. Lol. It started to kick in and I’m pretty sure they could have stuck that IV anywhere and I couldn’t have cared less.

Spent 2 nights in Lexington. That was interesting. Somehow I managed to keep my tattoos hidden(thank god for collared shirts). There are a lot of people at my apartment now and I'm not in a bunch of people mood so I’m gonna get some rest until somebody else comes over to chill w/ me. crap, I bet my face would hurt less if I could stop tonguing my stitches. L ugh. One last piece of depressing info before I stop bitching and rest: Andrew is leaving tomorrow to go home for the summer. I gotta stop making good guy friends, they always leave. Boo.

tattoos and teeth??

2005-05-26T19:22:00.000-07:00

Ugh…I’m almost packed to go home. This is going to be in interesting weekend. My parents have not seen any of my tattoos and the new one likes to peek out the collar of my t-shirts so…who know how that conversation will pan out. More importantly (maybe) I'm getting my wisdom teeth out at 7:45 tomorrow morning. Ewwww, on soooo many levels. I’m way more scared of the IV than anything else. This will be my first surgery and first IV. I'm trying to be all tough and shit but I'm not very good at it. Please cross your fingers for me!

I miss daniel already. grrr.

the depressing end of an awesome 3 weeks

2005-05-24T02:58:00.000-07:00

hot tears of temporary goodbyes
salt stings on sunburned cheeks
a long hug, then, just one more
“I’ll miss you” and “I love you”
difficult to whisper between sniffles
even harder to hear
a best bud thumbs tears away
five months that will feel like years
a favorite friend is gone again

NEW INK!! :)

2005-05-17T20:27:00.000-07:00

FUCK! My back stings!!! Lol I have my tattoo and it rockks. I can’t wait to show it to you. I”ll take pics when the red marker washes off. For now it’s time to eat at Andrew’s. Later taters!

mmmmmm...

2005-05-13T18:48:00.000-07:00

So while driving the three or so blocks it takes me to get home from work today I passed a guy in faded cut off camo shorts and the brightest tie-dye shirt I have ever seen. While being slightly disturbed that he stole my high school style I decided he is my hero and I hope I can meet him some time. The other prevailing thought was “too bad he has a buzz cut, if he had dreads I’d so pull this car over…”

the long awaited(only not so much) update!

2005-05-12T02:25:00.000-07:00

Wow, updates are good…God knows it’s been a while. Sooooo….I think I’ll finally get my tattoo next week. Tuesday to be exact. Rusty came up w/ a few ideas, I liked one but we won’t know for sure if it will work until he draws it on my back…grrrrrr. I wan it now L but it’s all good, you know why? B/c Daniel is HOME!!! It’s been freakin great, like he never even left. And da da da daaaaaa!!!!! He’s gonna get his next tattoo Tuesday as well. So that’s fun, we can be in pain together, sort of. His threshold is a hell of a lot higher than mine but ya know, whatever. At least he’ll be there to laugh when I pass out, er…uh, wait…. Chillin w/ Daniel and Andrew at Hugo’s was the best ever by the way. You guys “rock my face off in ways yet undescribed” as Jen would say.

Anyway- had some CWF people over after the Wentworth match. That rocked my face off. Hopefully they will come back and bring friends after the AC Fitness match in the g-boro. I promise more food guys! And bring some old wrestling tapes this time!!

Well, Con-Bon 007 and I chilled for the evening. That was fun, a lot like old times and much needed. We treated ourselves to a great meal at the Village Tavern (I had the most delicious Filet Mignon ever! Yum yum!!) then we came home and made dissert.. freakin sweet! We finished up the Superman movies w/ #4. Interesting, but #1 is by far the best. The DVD player quit workin…so that sucks. I mean we friggin watch movies all the damn time here and know we are left to the few VHS we still own. Ok well, could be worse.

Hmmm…if I go to bed now I can get about 7 hours of sleep…if I can keep from waking up so much. Grrr, I hate having sleeping problems. I’m just screwed up I guess. Night all!!

2005-05-05T00:17:00.000-07:00

Zebra Sister: I gotta find a place for my iguana. the appts. found it

musical puke: oh, you can't have him?

Zebra Sister: I have to take it somewhere else within 72 hours or "legal action will be taken". I"m in breech of contract

musical puke: they can legal action deez nuts

Zebra Sister: well you come over here and tell them that Mr. Army Pants

musical puke: i just might

Zebra Sister: :-)

musical puke: hey, i like my army pants

Saddness...

2005-04-30T15:56:00.000-07:00

GRRRRRRRRR!!!!! :'( No tattoo today...the design didn't work w/ my existing tattoos.
This frikkin sucks. But Rusty is going to design a few ideas and I'm going back Thursday to see them. Hmm. This way I'll get something I really want at least. I mean it's kinda gonna be on my back...FOREVER! lol. I just don't have any patience. Bah! oh well, I"m going to the CWF show to distract myself so it's ok.

2005-04-28T03:28:00.000-07:00

Frikkin Sweet!! i just finished my paper and take home test for my last class. At 9:30 tonight I will be done with college forever! :-d OMG, I'm so excited!

One more class...

2005-04-27T02:41:00.000-07:00

So, I had my western civ final tonight. that was interesting. but hey, it's over. I finished all my stuff for my on-line class a few days ago. Now all I have to do is this take home exam and a short paper for my class Thursday. Then I will officially be done w/ college. Wow. My short term plans are very different from what I thought they would be a few short years ago. I always thought I'd move to some random country right after graduation and spend my life helping people. Now I’m going to spend at least the next few years of my life helping people decide what they want to eat for lunch. Dang. That's pretty fucking depressing. I guess I could be a lot worse off. I mean I have a good job, a place to live, a good rommie for next year etc. I'm basically self-sufficient at 21. Not bad, but still...it's just not what I had dreamed of. I guess dreams aren't always what they are cracked up to be. I should just shut up and be happy right? I guess I just don't feel like it today. That's not too surprising considering how often I can actually shut up in the first place ;) I guess I just always hoped for more from life. I think I lost focus on how to get it. Maybe that ok, maybe not. We'll see where my perspective is tomorrow after my evaluation at work. Ugh. I've been scratching and clawing my way into the "real world" for so long, now that I’m finally on the verge of it I'm discovering the bitterness and cynicism in my heart towards it. hmm.

On a lighter note or two:
1. Daniel comes home in less than a week!!!!!! :-) Frikkin Sweet!
2. I"m getting my third tattoo this Saturday at 3:00.

Yes yes, 2 reasons to temporarily forget my life is any less than what I had always dreamed of. But then what are dreams unless they are unattainable. A dream keeps hope alive but a dream fulfilled is soon forgotten.(Zoë's proverbs 101) later taters.

On the removal of teeth and homework...

2005-04-21T09:55:00.000-07:00

So I have to get my wisdom teeth out. That is soooooooo not cool. Looks like May 27^th is the day. Ugh. I’m so freaked out about it. I’ve never had any type of surgery. Most of my friends have had theirs out and only a few had any problems. Here’s my problem…that blasted IV. It’s not the actual procedure that scares me, it’s not the idea of dry sockets or the dentist cutting through my freaking jaw to get to my lower molar(I’ve only got one lower molar so that’s good) it’s the damn IV that scares me. And it doesn’t even make sense. I mean yesterday, at the oral surgeon’s office, the nurse wrapped one of those plastic bands around my arm to check my veins and I almost hyperventilated! I was shaking so bad and couldn’t calm down for almost an hour. She didn’t even stick my w/ anything!! Good grief. I hate having completely unnecessary and unfounded fears. I mean I have 2 tattoos and I’m getting my third next weekend but I’m absolutely terrified of an IV. Grrrrrrrrrrr… Speaking of my third tattoo, I’m really excited about it. I’m getting a big cross on my back. The dove and heart I already have will be in the side pieces. I went down to little johns and talked to Rusty for a while on Tuesday and he’s going to draw up a few ideas. I’m really excited but nervous. Defiantly not as nervous as I am about that IV though. Anywho, I expect a lot of visitors over those 3 or so days I’ll be laid up on the couch watching movies and drinking milkshakes! So make plans now to come over and bring your fave flavor and flick.

Hehehe…one more thing, I have 3 classes left, one tonight, one Tuesday and one Thursday. Then I am DONE!!!!!! FOREVER!!!!!!! This makes me quite happy. Later taters.

toilet humor

2005-04-18T01:30:00.000-07:00

I got an e-mail that said 40,000 Americans are
injured by toilets each year.

That's a lot of dumb Americans.  And a lot of funny stories. 
If anyone has a funny story about a an injury inflicted by
a toilet please leave it on the comment link.  thanks!

Yhippie Skippie!

2005-04-17T23:14:00.000-07:00

Crazy fun. Best night ever last night. Yha’ll know who you are and that you rockk Be prepared for a party after graduation, possibly May 15 after the riders show. I"m promising free food (aka homecooking by Zoë) and more! Hehehe…hope to see you there! :)

Why I don't want to fall in love again

2005-04-10T14:35:00.000-07:00

I have decided I don’t want to be in love
I was in love once and I was blind
Blind to everything about him but what I wanted to see
I saw nothing bad and very little true good
I envisioned a watercolor of someone that never existed
I don’t want to be a watercolor
I want to be me

If I spent my life with someone who didn’t know the real me
It would not be ok
If I fell in love with a boy and only saw the potential man
I would not be ok
If he and I kept up stained glass windows
It would not be ok
If we broke each other windows over and over
It would be ok
If a man ever likes my reality enough to spend the rest of his life in it
It would be ok
If I am old with gray-blue hair and alone
It will be ok
If I am held cherished and treasured
It will be ok

When my heart is shattered it will mend
When my life is tattered it will be restored
When hope becomes a memory I will live to hope again

sick

2005-04-03T20:40:00.000-07:00

I hate being sick. I have been sick for a whole week now so I think it's about time I complain about it. I actually missed work friday, I hate missing work. No, I loath missing work. See now, I love my job and I have an incredible boss who I really don't like to disapoint, so missing work for any reason sucks butt. It's worse when I"m sick though b/c I feel like I should be able to shake it off and get the job done dang it, this was not the case friday...Grrrr. Oh well. Can't change it now. I don't think she'll hold it against me or anything. Another thing I hate about being sick is it's so darn expencive. I spent about $160 in one day between the doctor and the drugstore. Intrestingly enough even though I hate taking any form of money from mom and dad for any reason I had no troubble letting them help me with "medical" bills...don't know what that's about.

Oh, I got told again that I'm intimidating. Sadly, I'm starting to like it. This can't be good.

I feel like crap, I'm gonna go eat something and sleep some more. :-p

The Window

2005-03-22T02:06:00.000-08:00

It was an exquisite stained glass window, a breathtaking portrait of good deeds and superior intentions. It did a wonderful job of hiding everything unlovely from prying eyes. It kept all the dirt in its place, out of sight and out of mind. Even I could not see through the brilliant hues to the dinginess beyond. And then the stones came. One by one they shattered the panes until there was nothing left but tiny slivers of colored glass and the dark scene filled with sorrow was now visible through the jagged metal outlines. Shocked and embarrassed I tried to cover the whole thing with something, anything, until I could build the window again. I squatted there for a long time trying to piece it all back together. I tried to super glue the pieces into a recognizable shape only to find something grotesques staring back at me and my palms glued together. I tried to sweep the tiny fragments up with my hands and only scattered them. I tried to divide the colors into piles only to find them inseparable. Many were now the color of blood. I looked down at my fingers that now dripped red and had innumerable shards imbedded deep with in them. I stood up slowly and found that my entire body ached from the crooked stance I had been in. The filth of reality was spilling out onto the floor from beyond the busted window. Helpless and vulnerable I stood staring at the hopeless task before me and began to sob.

“It’s okay.” He said and I felt strong hands on my shoulders.

“It’s okay, I promise. I understand more than you know, and it was covered, finished long ago. I love you and I always will. No ifs ands or buts about it. Always and forever. My love is for you, all the sides of you, not just the ones you or someone else approves of. Nothing you or anyone else has or could do can ever change that. Never, never ever, even when you forget that it still doesn’t change a thing.”

“But…but where have you been?” I managed through my tears.

“Right here. You remember that whole ‘I’ll never leave you’ thing? I meant that. I’m here when you don’t know it and can’t feel Me just as much as when I used to quiet your childhood nightmares or still your troubled mind not so long ago. Do you remember how you trusted Me then? Well I do and that’s why I let the stones shatter your window. How else will you learn or maybe just remember how to trust Me?”

wow

2005-03-06T12:50:00.000-08:00

I never knew making a complete fool out of my self in public could be so much fun...or so expensive...or so...embarrassing... I broke a glass and grabbed an ass. I may have to skip the next few CWF shows out of pure humiliation.

2005-03-01T01:39:00.000-08:00

Yes yes. A much better day.
A quick shout out to Andrew. He and Nate took me to Jonah Project last night. Wow. Let me just say that it was an experience to remember. Nate and I danced to praise and worship and I sung my little heart out on a few of the songs. For once they really meant something. The "Christian life" is on it's way back to reality for me. I can't say I"m all about those "Christian" organizations that front for social clubs but I'm still about some Jesus. It is taking a long time for me to realize this and I'm still not sure some days but I think I'm back in the right direction. You see, I'm still scared of Jesus. I'm still afraid of being hurt again. I"d rather shut down emotionally then deal with what I think He's going to tell me. Since I'm such an emotional girl I translate things. I translate my relationships, for instance when I was little and my dad got mad at me I thought God was mad too. Basically when I felt there was no pleasing my parents, no way to make them happy I figured there was no way to make God happy either so I just gave up and tried to make me happy. That didn't work but I still try it a lot. So along the same lines when I spent a whole week feeling worthless and just plain old not good enough for any body I figured God felt the same. I figured if no one down here specifically guys (I mean come on, I"m a girl!), could see any good or worth in me how could God possibly find anything positive? I'm still really struggling with this and prolly will for a while. I have learned that worthless is one of the hardest feeling to reason myself out of. Most of the time I have to be told by someone I trust several times. That sucks. Think about it, you can't exactly walk up to someone as ask: "hey, do you think I'm worthless?" Of course anyone with tact would say no so you can't trust that. It only means something if some tells you spontaneously. and then it only means so much from certain people. This weekend I got random complements out of people I wasn't even expecting to see, or at least not expecting to see so much of. Sometimes it's not even words that help as much as a special hug or just that right smile. Knowing people hang out with you because they want to makes all the difference some days. I've been praying a lot for perspective. Namely God's perspective. The piece I have right now is that I am worth something damn it. Maybe I'm not what I want to be or what someone else wants but I must be worth something if this crazy God wants to hang out with me. Right?

2005-02-27T09:00:00.000-08:00

wow, some days I'm just completely irrational. I don't really care who ate my brownies. right now I just care that today is going to be a better day. and it will be just that, much better.

2005-02-27T02:00:00.000-08:00

So my mom made me brownies and brought them to me this morning. I didn't have time to eat them b/c I had to rush home and change and rush to work. I worked 8 hours, a rough 8 hours I might add (training a new girl plus being lead caterer and teaching my other coworker how to run a pasta station). So the whole time I'm thinking of these brownines being there for me when I get back. I left them in my room not even on purpose, just b/c I was in a hurry. So I get back find the bag and foil on the kitchen table with a shitty 1/2 a brownie in it. I am very angry. I want to know who ate my brownies. More than that I want to know who hunted down my brownies from my room to eat them. I am very sad that they are gone. I wish that if someone was going to eat my food they could at least leave some for me. Some of those brownies had already been designated to Connie and jen but I know neither of them could have eaten them all...grrrrrrrrrrrrr...

on a lighter note, I got to see kildoo for a while tonight and run over some people in the new GTA San Andreas. Very cool. I'm going to bed and don't feel like getting up tomorrow...maybe I won't. I don't have to work till 2...

workin on Zoë version 4.0

2005-02-23T10:05:00.000-08:00

After sleeping on it I feel the need to clarify something about last night's frustrated post. Mostly that by saying "I'm gonna go read proverbs 31 and posting the link I was not trying to say that I am the woman described in the chapter. I know for a fact that I am not her and prolly never will be but I feel she is a good goal to shoot for. I am not read for marriage, I"m not even ready for a relationship for a lot of reasons but I am working on my issues and trying to move forward so that if God ever sends the right guy along I won't have to scramble and hide my problems. My issues are a part of who I am but I don't want them to dictate who I am and hold me back from becoming a better version of myself.

grrrr....

2005-02-23T01:17:00.000-08:00

I don't get it. So I have all these guy friends who are great, tell me how great I am etc. But I"m always the best friend. What makes that switch between best friend and girlfriend? I asked a good friend this tonight. I got the same damn answer I always get. Basically I"m not pretty enough and guys want sex (virgin pride-right here). This is the answer I was expecting yes, mainly b/c it's the only one I've ever gotten but I had hope to hear something different. I mean I'm no knockout blonde bimbo but I'm not exactly butt ugly either. So I kept prying. Eventually I got a second answer, one I didn't remember hearing before. My independence is intimidating. I suddenly remembered my friend's dad made up a song about "self sufficient woman" and sang it to me all weekend. Strange.
I the past six months I have heard I'm not pretty enough, I'm too nice, I'm not slutty enough, I'm too independent, I'm not mature enough, I'm too mature, I'm baby crazy and one "you are just not what I want". Ok, so I'm not pretty enough, that still does not make me want to diet b/c I'd be doing it for all the wrong reasons. I'm too nice, first off, what kind of bull shit is that anyway? Second what they really meant is I should not let people walk all over me- well I have a bad habit of doing something I don't want to do and then complaining about it, but I'm workin on that. I'm not slutty enough- I"ll take that as a compliment thank you very much, I"m not shakin my ass to attract a boy, just not my style. I'm too independent. I don't even know what to say to that. I mean really...Why is it bad that I can take care of myself? It'd be one less thing a guy would have to do. Not mature enough or too mature...Neither person knows me very well, no I"m not mature, I'm frikkin 21, give me a few years for goodness sake. Too mature? Right maybe you should just grow up a bit. Baby crazy, hmmm...Yes I get that way sometimes. I want kids, and lots of them, but I need to grow up some more first, it just took me a while to realize that. And last but certainly not least, just not what he wants. Guess you are not what I wanted either pal, should have figured that out a lot sooner.
So, I'm stuck being me, even on the days I'm not so sure who I am. I am makin an effort to improve myself as I go but nothing worth doing is easy or quick. Maybe the future me will be good enough for someone and maybe not. Either way I'm still gonna be me. God help us all. :)
I'm gonna go read proverbs 31.

Ugh.

2005-02-07T23:13:00.000-08:00

I am sick, I hate being sick. not to mention I can’t afford to be sick right now, or any time in the near future. With 3 months left of school and trying to do the best possible job at work so as to garner a promotion (and b/c I hate to be anything but super productive on the job) I have no time to lazy away in bed trying to get over a sinus whatever. Grrrrr…
Fortunately they make medicine for this crap even though often you only feel worse after taking it I can only hope I can beat this super fast, I’m thinking 24 hours or less so with the wonderful food my roomies provided me(my fave sick menu of chicken noodle and a bologna sandwich) I’m off to sleep way earlier than normal. But I can’t go to bed with out posting the first draft of my top five most awesomely random things ever:

5. Watching Mikey and Nate dance to the “dingaling song”
4. Peter reading us “cosmo girl” quizzes (Jen’s magazine, not Peter’s)
3. New friends who ask serious (or just seriously strange) questions
2. Riding around Mt. Airy having “jousting” matches with mail boxes
1. Watching wrestling videos at a super bowl party

been a while...

2005-02-07T00:58:00.000-08:00

Yes yes, my posting has been slack as of late, I know. Busy doesn’t even begin to cover it. Been a little of every where since I posted last. Everywhere from visiting friends in the hospital to wrestling matches to house sitting for my boss. Whew, crazy. But I have learned my life will always be a trip and always, always a little(or a lot) of the unexpected will pop up. This is actually a good thing though, I may be easily amused but I am also easily bored…who wouldn’t rather be amused than bored? I mean all go for amused any day.
Here lately I have some to value good friends. I have a lot of friends, and several I’d consider myself close to but I know I don’t appreciate any of them enough. Now, I’m not going to name any names for fear of my forgetful nature shining through at a very inopportune moment…but I imagine if you are actually reading this you are pretty high on my close friends list. J Why now have I began to appreciate my friends more than before you might ask…well I hate to say it but b/c I have needed them more lately. And b/c they have been there when I needed them. Some of my most wonderful friends have done everything for me in the past few weeks from talking till all hours of the AM to staying over so I didn’t have to be alone on a really rough weekend to doling out big hugs(which fix everything I might add) and keeping me sane (as much as possible that is).
One of the coolest things going on lately has to be that I have a new friend. New friends are always fun for many reasons. For one thing I just love meeting new people but also I love to talk…and few people listen better than a new friend who actually likes random stories and wasn’t there for all of them. Don’t get me wrong, old friends who have been there for all of your stories are irreplaceable. It’s like the joke about how a good friend will bail you out of jail but a best friend will be sitting in the cell with you saying “That was so friggin Awesome!!” But there is just something about telling someone a great story for the first time that I live for. It makes me smile. So dawg, if you are reading this, thanks! You rock my face off! ;)
It is sooooooo time to get some sleep…work tomorrow(and the rest of the week), test Tuesday…class Thursday…the usual. But I could not stand to go to sleep without a shout out to Grant and Gee for a great superbowl party. The fist superbowl I ever even attempted to watch I might add. I’m glad I went, and sorry I had to leave at the half. Very fun, can’t wait till next year!
Ugh, sleep now…I feel so old! :-p Peace out!

dang...

2005-01-20T01:49:00.000-08:00

and God spake and sayith unto me:

Didn’t I already tell you to chill out?!?!
My love for you does not fluctuate!
It’s time for you to chill, ready? one...two...three- GO!

talkin to The Man upstairs...

2005-01-18T00:21:00.000-08:00

Zoë: God, What the HECK are you thinkin???

God: Right now? Basicaly that I know what I'm doing and you need to chill.

Zoë: Are you sure you know what you're doing? I mean really...all this, right now? This has been such a weekend of mixed emotions...I thought I had it all figured out!

God: You don't, but I do. Relax, I got this one.

Zoë: You sure?

God: You can trust me, I love you very, very, very much.

Zoë: Ok, I'll do my best, but you are going to have to help a lot.

God: I'm right here, no matter what. Don't forget, I Love You!

Zoë: Thanks God, love You too...But you got the strangest timing ever!

:-)

2005-01-10T23:47:00.000-08:00

So.....I have the best friends. First off I wanna give a big shout out to Grant and Gee for gettin me the awesome Garden State poster that now adorns my wall. You guys are the best. Another shout out goes to all the people who upon coming back to the buro actually called or wrote me to say they are back! So far I have been able to chill with the wonders of Connie, Jen, Laura, Julie, Andrew,Nate and had quick visits with a few more. Now for a Shout Out I failed to give the other night and is now a whole WEEK over due...for shame Zoë, for shame....
This one goes to CASEY!!! Who is the only person I know who would drive 2 hours just to let me dig my nails into her arm while being tattooed, and not even laugh when I passed out! Casey, you rockk, way hard girl! I luv ya tons! Thanks for being there for me when I need you! :)
Ok, now for a bit of seriousness...boo...
A good friend of mine really got me thinking the other night. I was discussing my plans of becoming a foster mother by 2006 and got my first real negative feedback. See now, most people are so shoked when they first hear what I want to do with my life that they are just kinda "huh" about the whole thing at first even if they are really wondering "what the hell is she thinking?". This dude said I was "baby crazy". I was immediately pissed. For future reference guys, never EVER call a girl a name that has the word "crazy" in it uless it's followed by somthing more like "sexy". Just don't push your luck...trust me. He also said I should talk to a single mom he works with and see how she likes working 2 jobs, haveing no social life etc. Well once I was no longer mad I got to thinking. Mostly thoughts like "maybe I'm not cut out to be a mom", or "maybe I should wait a few years...maybe I should wait to get married" and "do I really wanna give up my life for a kid that's not even mine?"
Well I thought long and hard about all this, then I slept on it and thought some more. I came up with a few ideas:
1. Fostering is not forever. (not to say that a week into this I'll give up running for the door but if I"m not cut out for it then I don't have to do it for the rest of my life.)
2. This is a HUGE responsibility I may not be ready for, but how many parents do you know that were ready before they had kids?
3. I will have no siocial life other than people who really want to hang out with me and a kid. I'm ok with this though. Here's the way I see it: what lasting value comes from a night at the movies, watching friends play video games or having a drink w/ the girls? In opposition to this think of the value of a night spent with a small child, doing homework, playing, helping them deal with a nightmare, or just loving them and spending that time with them.
4. $$$...well that's just one of those God things a far as I"m concerned. He's always taken care of me before, I think he can do it again.
5. What about a guy...should I wait till I get married and have that support built in? I don't believe so. I have yet to meet a guy with the same goals and dreams as I have and I'm tired of changing my ideas for other people. I"m going to be who I am. If a guy ever comes along who can keep up-cool. If not, I'll be lonely some days. Hopefully I can learn to trun to God on more of those days. I don't feel like waiting on a boy to jump start my life. And I can take care of myself for the most part.

In short, I can't come up with a single reason that outweighs the idea of helping a child. I mean, yeah, it's going to be hard, but most things that are worth it are. That's why they are so rewarding. Why should I be spending the next few years of my life waiting around for something to happen when I have more energy and life right now than I ever will again? I figure, I"m alive right now, why not make the most of it.

Life

2005-01-08T14:44:00.000-08:00

It’s hard to experience life with your heart encased in bubble wrap.
You can alter your own destiny, or you can let it alter you.
You can let destiny control you and your perspectives or
your life can become what you want it to be.
Why just sit and wait for life to start,
it’s already here, already happening…
Are you embracing all life has to offer, even the outrageous,
or missing it completely, the beautiful, the bad and the best?
As tomorrow melts into last year don’t just wait for something more,
make something more.

hmmm...

2005-01-08T14:32:00.000-08:00

I learned something I thought I already knew...hugs can fix anything. Not those crap hugs that you get from people that you don't know or who don't really care but those long drawn out five min. hugs that just make you feel loved and safe. I got one of those hugs yesterday, just when I needed it the most. It was all I could do not to cry. That hug changed the course of my day. You know what else? Some people are just gifted huggers. I know a few people who just plain know how to hug you and make it all better...that's a true gift. So this is an official thank you to the person who fixed my perspective yesterday, even though I don't think they will read it. :) And it's a toast to all the gifted huggers out there, you make life bearable for those of us who know you, Thank You!

I don’t know if this will make sense but….

2005-01-07T01:05:00.000-08:00

so..I kinda figured it out…maybe. I’ve been in this funk for a while now. I just feel like crap, and it’s more than pms. I basically couldn’t figure out how I can be around so many people and feel so lonely. So I figured out tonight it has a lot to do with fitting in. I just don’t. I can honestly say this is something I thought I didn’t care about, I mean this has not been an issue since what, middle school? I suppose it’s something I’ll never really beat of fix. Most of my life I have not “fit in” in the normal places like school or social settings but then there was always somewhere or someone I could go to and feel safe, accepted and I guess peaceful. I’ve been without that for a while now and I was ok at first, or at least I thought I was, now it’s affecting me. I don’t like it, not at all.
Time for some analyzing…
So, this is not about school, first off I never fit in at school anyway, second I just changed schools-had my first classes today which sucked but I actually talk to this dude for a while. Besides, it’s never been important to me to fit in with people I'll only see for a few weeks, or the equivalent of a sneeze in my life.
This is not about work because not only do I like my job(it’s the best thing in my life right now) but I like my boss and co-workers. I don’t fit in at all there and prolly never will, one again no big deal, I get to vent a bit and listen to their issues a lot. We are not supposed to be really good friends with people form work. I went to see Leigh’s band play tonight at the Blind Tiger, it was ok, but I was once again out of place.
I think this is really about just feeling out of place. Just not being included or feeling important. Once again stuff I didn’t think I worried about, but I guess everyone does. I started thinking on the walk back tonight of all the scenarios in my life and how I feel in them. I can sit in Church with a Bible in my hands and feel lonely. I pass it off on not knowing anyone and tell myself it will get batter the longer I go to the same church. I’ve been there 2 ½ years now. I can sit in a bar with a drink in one hand and a black in the other and feel lonely. I pass that off to not knowing anyone and tell myself it will get better when my friend’s are back in town. A year ago I was sitting in IV feeling lonely and saying it will get better when I know more people. Then I quit and figured it’d be easy to see who my real friends where, cuz they’d be the ones who still talked to me. All 2 of them…I hoped for more, but I knew better. So I started talking to other people, trying to make new friends. Dating a bit even. All that got shot to hell. The next guy who talked to me about another girl, no matter what my feelings are for him’s getting a swift kick in the knees…that’s only if I’m feeling generous. It’s like in Garden State- Andrew is talking to Sam about “home” and how after you move out of your parent’s place one day you wake up and it’s not home anymore. It never will be again. Where you are living it not home either. No where is. He talks about “missing the idea of home” the safety of it, the feeling of it. There is no way to get that back until you have a family of your own, then he talks about how “maybe that’s all a family really is, a group of people searching for the same imaginary place.” The first time I heard that it clicked…like he just put into words how I'd felt for months and could not express. I felt so lonely, so vulnerable. I still feel that way. One time my pastor said that we know heaven is there because we long for something more. We know God loves us because we love each other. I have to tell myself this every day. I think I’m not just missing that house with a fence, a loving husband and 4 or 5 awesome kids but I’m wanting so much more. I’m missing heaven and that relationship that comes with it. Now I believe it exists b/c I have to or I won’t make it through another day. Hmmmm…. thoughts to mull over. but for now, it’s time to sleep, there’s no one here to make sure I hear my alarm in the morning so I got to get to bed. maybe tomorrow someone will be around to talk to.

new year...

2005-01-02T13:24:00.000-08:00

so, I'm back in the boro. Glad to be back, sort of. Too much drama here, but at least I have my own room instead of sleeping on a couch, the floor or in the guest room at my parent's house cuz they've filled up my room and I can't get to my bed. :-p I'm having an strange amount of writer's block today, I have this idea for a poem but can't seem to get it on paper. it's ok though, cuz I have to get to work very soon. I finally got GARDEN STATE on dvd, then I went back for the soundtrack...which I"m listing to right now. :) makes me very happy...everyone should see this movie, I'm for real now. It's the best movie I"ve ever seen and I"ve seen a lot of movies. GO WATCH IT!!! or, better yet, come over and watch it w/ me so I can tell you all about why it's the best movie ever made, or why I think it is anyway...random info...Jen rockks, even if she slept till she was supposed to pick me up this morning and my dad was a little put out about having to drive almost to G-boro to drop me off before heading back to VA for my uncle's funeral. oh well, Jen's still one of my fave people ever, even though she'll never read this...lol. ok, I better get to work, after 9 days off it's going to be interesting. oh yeah...I"m getting another tattoo tomorrow! :-)

The inside look

2004-12-27T22:17:00.000-08:00

So if you can't tell after reading all those I only write when I feel really strongly about something. I don't know how often I'll add to this page but I"m hoping to hear some feedback from all the crazyness I just posted tonight. I guess my life will be an open book from now on. this thing might just be my new vent so look out, no telling what will end up on here. :-p happy reading of my deepest thoughts!

did I really write this mess?

2004-12-27T22:16:00.000-08:00

“Sorry doesn’t cut it!”
My father said when I was young.
A small “I’m sorry” was all I had.

I never understood why
I’m sorry was not enough.
Now I get it…

“I’m sorry” doesn’t mean a thing.
It’s just a phrase we say.
Now this boy thinks he can speak
a few words and “make it all better”

At least he kept an honest face
while lying through his teeth.

When I want to yell

2004-12-27T22:15:00.000-08:00

Sometimes the only thing you can change is your attitude.
Some days your world will crumble around you,
Despair will cloud your thoughts with grief.
Some days one word spoken harshly by another begins
Tainting your mirror or blocking your view.
Some days you will wake inside out,
Yearning only to dissolve or hideaway.

Remember every day is fresh and precious.
Trade sorrow for Joy,
Hate for Love,
Grief for Gladness,
Bitterness for Forgiveness.
Worlds can be rebuilt,
Clouds parted,
Harsh words softened,
Mirrors polished,
Days begun anew.
With your head held high employ your attitude,
That single invaluable weapon may be the only thing you can transform,
But with it you may revolutionize your world.

amusingly pointless :)

2004-12-27T22:13:00.000-08:00

Oh that picture
that damn picture.
The one of the girl that was there.
There before me,
always staring at me
while I sit on his bed
bored to death.

I try to take my eyes of her but I can’t
I swear she’s mocking me.
He’s too distracted by the glow before him and the music around him too notice…
to notice the picture staring at me from face down.
Her face pressed against the clear plastic mocking me.
But is she really mocking me,
or is she just happy to still be waiting there after so long?

This it the only seat in the room that reveals her presence
Maybe he’s forgotten she’s even there…
Or maybe she’s just sitting there waiting, knowingly,
knowingly waiting ever so patiently to slide up from the back burner again
once he’s done with me
well…we’ll see,
we’ll see…

Filipino thoughts

2004-12-27T22:12:00.000-08:00

Noise noise
So much noise
Immersed in a crowd
yet still alone
I observe what there is to see
I take note of the sounds

speech flow between two people
as I discreetly eavesdrop
trying to understand this new language
then I grasp a few words
“ghost” “ugly” “American”
Time to move on

Children crying
dirty, unloved, unwanted forgotten,
rocks and sticks for toys
flies, bats, birds, spiders or rats for pets

the uber girly one :-p

2004-12-27T22:09:00.001-08:00

More than anything
I want a man who knows I am beautiful.
Who knows it so deeply,
inside and out,
he can’t help but smile when he sees me.

He can’t explain it.
Can’t figure out why he’s smitten,
but he sees something
something beyond outer beauty,
beyond inner beauty…
He understands the something precious inside me.

The something precious,
I can’t even explain on my best day,
and often chose to ignore on my worst.
That jeweled something that sparkles through,
illuminates,
breathes as,
loves,
hates,
drives,
and intensifies
who I truly am.

I want a man who loves me,
not the idea or ideal of me.
It’s crazy how close those two terms are,
and how often they entangle the true self,
leaving a standard impossible to live up to.

I want a man who’s not afraid
to show me he loves me,
not with his checkbook,
his plans,
his ideas,
his smarts,
his spirituality
or his car,
but with his life,
his smile,
his eyes,
his hands,
his words,
his emotions,
and his heart.

I want a genuine man who will let his true self love the authentic me.
Time and again I wonder…does this man I hunger for even exist?

the new one

2004-12-27T22:09:00.000-08:00

His heart aches over the loss of her.
Her soul steeps inside him like sun tea.
He mulls over her until she is reincarnated – born anew into perfection.
Here, in his mind, nothing can tarnish her, not even the real her.
His heart breaks over the very thought of her.

one of my faves

2004-12-27T22:06:00.001-08:00

Can I beat this?
Can I live in two worlds at once?
Death belongs to one,
Life to the other.
So why crave the deadly one?

It would seem that balance is everything.
How do I balance personalities?
How do I know the essentials of my soul
Now tarnished beneath this filth?
I’ve lost something of the purity
I once prized above all else.

Confusion of right and wrong.
How many lives distraught like mine?
Sin battling Savior
Till forever is a memory.
Lost to a new reality.

Are You truly there awaiting my return?
I’m drenched in the muck of swine.
Putrescence of some misguided sin.
Do You truly wish to take me in?
Restore me as Your child again?

Can I go back?
I can’t be who I was.
I’m unsure of who I am.
Confused by every whim
Too fatigued to attempt it all again.

What will You do when I fail anew?
Always waiting, ever patient.
Just too good to be true.
I can’t trust what I can’t hear,
But I am petrified, terrified of You.

How will You respond to me?
Angry Father?
Long lost Lover?
Dark Divinity?
King who knows my name?
One who places blame?
Friend to set me free?

How will I reply?
Broken daughter?
Sullied beloved?
Trivial character?
Maid who feels her shame?
Soul ridden with consuming guilt?
Stranger with empty hands and empty promises?

It’s impossible to endure this varied existence.
I can’t attempt it anymore.
But can I run to You?
Some say “Yes!”
More ask “Why?”
Others still say “No.”
Can I take this risk?

What is true?
What is deceptive?
What is pure?
What is ruined?
What is love?
What is revulsion?
What is life?
Why does death feel near?

I want to run to You.
I want to feel Your truth
Your cleansing
Your love
Your life
Reality seems ever changing,
The only constant is You.

4-18-04

3 about passion

2004-12-27T22:06:00.000-08:00

1.
Passion? What is passion?
I had passion once…
I had it all then.
I had passion about everything.
Passion about God,
church,
children,
friends,
family,
homeless,
helpless,
hopeless,
unloved,
unwanted,
unlovely,
passion about life.
Where is that passion now?
I wish I knew.
I had it together and life was good,
simple somehow, almost easy…
No not easy, those two are not the same.
But I did have joy.

2.
People change, priorities change with them.
No one can remain as they once were.
People change because circumstances change.
Maybe this is true, but what actually transforms us?

3.
Passion is such a funny thing.
It can be ignited in a blaze
by a glance, thought,
image, or notion,
and doused just as fast.
It can grow, slowly kindled
by a myriad of hopes and dreams,
ideas and metaphors.
The latter form takes longer to destroy
but I assure you it can be done.

Passions carefully cultivated over a lifetime
can wholly vanish in a few short weeks.
I know this is true,
I have experienced it,
or I would not have believed it possible.

Life is funny sometimes,
almost like God is playing some
elaborate practical joke.
The walls come crashing in,
the floor disintegrates
at the least expected time.
Maybe I am destined to learn
I don’t have everything under control. So why do I still try?

Hope

2004-12-27T22:05:00.000-08:00

Hope? Hope doesn’t live here anymore.
It’s been dashed on the rocks of pain,
crushed in the course of a normal life.

Faith? Faith was easy as a child.
But then so was life.
Now where has it gone?
It’s gone astray with hope.

Life? The real essence of being alive
cascading through the mind
driving every action,
every thought, every emotion.
Life vanished in a heartbeat.

Love? Is love even here?
I suppose it left with the others.
Will it ever be here again?
Is there room left for love
in my now darkened heart?
Was it ever there in the first place?

Peace? I can scarcely even remember peace.
If it ever dwelled here it was long ago.
Peace was a stranger considerably prior to the others.

Now life is filled with fear,
uncertainty, cynicism, gloom, death,
pain, rejection, loneliness, tears
shadows, turmoil, sleepless nights,
anxiety, and a tinge of dread.

Mustard seeds

2004-12-27T22:01:00.000-08:00

Mustard seed of faith.
These seeds have been pulverized,
splashed with vinegar,
and stretched into so much
discount sandwich spread.

As Author and Perfector of my faith,
You will have to start over,
compose a whole new story.
I’m dried up- shot through the heart
with a poison arrow

Raise up a beautiful faith from these ashes.
I strength that can only come from You.
Change all the poor and worthlessness in me.
My insides are like freezer burned stones-
melt my heart, make it beat only for you again.

time for some poetry...

2004-12-27T21:55:00.000-08:00

So I decided it's time to post some stuff on here. I just got back from Wal-mart...I was going to pick up Garden State but the jerks are not going to carry it. Makes my heart sad... :(

Well now that I'm awake I think I'll post for a bit. I got a lot 'o poems for ya...:)

Here's some old school ones for ya... tell me what you think(I numbered them, it's not one long poem)

1.
Solo star watches me
Pull out my knife
Slice it from the sky
Fuse it to my heart
Keep me warm at night

2.
A star for a friend
A heart shaped parcel
Paper can’t keep the light in

Hold it close
Allow it to soak through skin
Contained by flesh and bone
Here I am sealed inside you

and some Haikus:

Time passes slowly
I try to box up sunshine
Reminds me of you

Grand friends old and new
Sometimes they stay but not often
We are forever

Since it's no longer the "cool" thing to do...

2004-12-20T07:22:00.000-08:00

So...uh...I finally got a blog...
I'm sitting here trying to wake up before I have to be at work at a ver ungodly hour of the AM and I decided I want to talk to my self on-line instead of just in my head. :) I don't know, maybe I'll have a fan or 2 that read this but it's really just going to be a vent for me. :-p I plan on posting lots of my poems and reandom thoughts...hope you enjoy!! Come often and leave me lots of comments! :)

2004-12-20T04:41:00.000-08:00

yes, I do have blue hair...